WHAT THE FUCK IS “WOAYUMI”

Hello, you fucking pieces of shit, or whoever you are (I do not give a particular fuck). While I’m fucking completely drunk, I am going to tell you a story you, stupid morons, do not deserve to hear. If you want to hear it, make sure that you are the most retarded internet romantics in the world. Yes, you read me right, you have to be internet romantics, not just simple, regular romantics – those losers are history.

So, what the fuck? Why I decided to write you this story? Because you suck your own dick. Or your own pussy, or whatever stinky abomination you have there. There is no alternative reason. You read this right now because you suck your own junk. Yup. You’re fucking moron. Fuck you. Also, your penis is small, and your puss smells like old, rotten fish. Fuck you, assholish fuck. What, “assholish” is not a word? Well, it fucking should be. Now, let me fuck you, so we can continue. Thank you.

More than a decade ago, when I first.. No, wait. Fuck that. Let me tell you this crap in a different way. It was something like 2001, it was dark times – internet was a strange magical word, used only in some really pricey movie scripts, like Titanic. I had my PlayStation 1 and my pirated discs I bought for an insanely huge price on a bazaar (welcome to the post USSR Ukraine) (by the way, unlike Ukraine, the modern, beautiful European country, Russia is a horrible gas station which disguises itself as a country. It is full of drunken Ivans and bears on a bicycle).
One shiny day (really, it was really fucking shiny day) I went “out”. I went out and I ended up in the city centre. I met new friends there and they told me about these strange new machines which were not like PlayStation, only 32bit. They told me that these strange looking “computers” were 64bit! I was like “wtf!”. There was a game club in my, no, not a city, in my small town, and I was about to familiarize myself with this strange urban thing. I entered the club…

I entered the club and what I saw startled me. Dendy, 1 Dendy, 1 Sega, 2 PlayStation, and… 3 monitors I had never seen before. They had so many colours, their plastic was so new, so… white, and not yellow, like the 16 colour IBM monitors we had in my school. Then, I looked at the screen… A guy was playing a motocross game, and OMG, the graphics lured me in so hard I dreamt never to leave that game club again. But few Hryvnas I had dried up quickly in my pockets and I was forced to go back home, to my grey regular, not a “64bit” life. Back then it was all about bits. When I heard that computer has as twice as much bits as the playstation 1, I immediately imagined realistic graphics, with real life-like people flying in front of my face, interacting with me. Since that moment I knew – I have to have my own computer. It’s the only way. I was the first in my town to pay money to play Silent Hill in the computer club. Everyone else played Half-life and looked at me playing Silent Hill like on an alien, whispering behind my shoulder, “wtf is this guy playing”, “wtf is this game? it’s not half-life..”.

I waited for year or two, then finally, because of some incredible blessing, somehow my almost below average family bought a computer to the house. The first game I installed was “200 best in 1 CD”. It sucked. Most of the games didn’t work. ..and they didn’t fucking look anything like the fucking game I saw in the fucking game club. I was pissed. I went to the game club and bought some real, 3 fucking D games. What games did I buy? Hehe…. 4×4 Truck Racing, Insane, Hitman, Silent Hill, Half-fuckinglife (Counter-strike 1.0 was included back then).

My computer… that samsung 14″ absolutely not flat, huge, 15kg screen, 10GB hard drive (was a monster back then), Win98 – the new operating system, nVidia Riva 16mb, that’s all I remember. Computers were cheap. You could buy a powerful PC for 400 American money. My parents saw how much I love computers, so they decided I should have one. What a waste.

Hitman was slow as fuck on that gear, even though it was the beast rig back than. Just like the fucking retarded Crysis3 on the modern PCs, which gives only 20-30fps, but Hitman, of course is million times better. There’s nothing even to compare, even with their super fancy mega modern graphics I would still play Hitman: Codename 47 instead of that retarded Crysis3. Fuck you, modern games. Fuck you.

Two of my neighbours who also had a computer, had that strange thing, called “modem”. They said, they could communicate through it no matter where they are, and connect two computers between each other. This idea, and the potential of such a possibility was some serious shit back then! 30 bucks was some serious shit back then too though. Nevertheless, it’s funny, how I’m drunk and I still use things like “nevertheless”, lol. So, neverthefucking, the motherfuckingless, fuck you, I somehow managed to squeeze those $30 out of my parents’ pockets and get myself that fucking modem…

..and this is where the WORLD has opened to me..

The only game I had that had a support for an internet connection was the freaking Counter-Strike (because I didn’t care about the half-life multiplayer, so fuck you). I had already played the Counter-strike with my neighbours over that noisy modem, but I knew I cannot stop on that. I wanted something more, and I knew where to look for it. ..look for it in the “internet” tab, instead of the “lan” tab.

Having that “internet” in your home was not an easy thing back then. It was sold by hours. I had 1 hour of internet for 5 dollars. It was an insane price, but if I wanted to feel the world under my fingers, it was the only way for me.

So, I got somehow those 5 bucks from my parents, I remember I ran to the internet provider, gave those money to them, told my fixed phone number and got my papers with the modem set-up instructions. I ran back home and used the settings provided in my Windows 98. In a few seconds I entered MSN – a strange world of “EVERYTHING”. It had “EVERYTHING”. I wandered inside it for a bit, but then I remembered what I really want to do – I wanted to play Counter-Strike 1.0 on internet, against the unknown world, on some unknown server, somewhere.e I had like 20 minutes left on my internet account, and I started immediately.

At that time, my monitor was already out of order, but I had my way out – I connected my computer’s videocard to my horrible, small, old tv. This is how i started to play Counter-Strike – on a small fucking lamp tv where I couldn’t see if it’s night or day. I didn’t care – I was happy. The understanding that I’m connecting to the world at the moment made me feel happy. Just happy.

The second time I connected to the internet changed my life forever. Well, at least my soul. I connected to the internet for the second time, I had an hour. This time, no fucking around. I started Counter-Strike 1.0 right fucking away. I found a playground.ru server which was located in Saint-Petersburg, which is like thousands miles away. I didn’t give a fuck. My ping was ~300, I couldn’t see shit because I looked at a small, old tv screen, but I felt happy. This is when I met her, “Ayumi”. All I know, is that we realized she’s almost year older than me, her name is Yulya, and she’s from Saint-Petersburg. I remember I said, “fuck, I can’t see anything!”, and she was the only person who talked to me on the internet. She asked, “Why can’t you see anything? Are you wearing glasses?”. She was trying to picture me. Probably as some retarded douche with glasses, but I wasn’t like that. I was a hard boiled bro, playing Counter-Strike on an old, small tv, while lying on my bed. That was a fucking innovation back then. We had a contact only for 15 minutes. I remember that. It was 13 years ago, but I still clearly remember exactly how long our contact lasted. ..and then the connection interrupted. I will always remember. I will never forget my friends. I will never forget my first, and my only feelings for a girl. This was the only time in my life I fell in-love. Never since I fell in-love for real, like that, again. Her name was Yuilya, or, should I say, her nickname way Ayumi, and my nickname was Woanerge. I wanted to find her since then, so I created this nickname, Wo-Ayumi – part of her name, part of mine, in a blind hope that she is intelligent enought to find me, if I will not be able to. I contacted the playground.ru moderators asking for some insight, but they said I should go kill myself. Since then, the website has completely changed, and I suspect, the old databases are thrown into trash. She was registered there. That was my only trace. It is gone now. The only thing that is left is my nickname – WoAyumi, and my memory. My memory of my only love, love of a girl I never saw, I never heard, I never smelled. Someone from my dreams which became true for one brief, single, wonderful moment of my life.

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