SOUL IS A PROSTITUTE

Soul is a prostitute. Here for you only for some time, and then leaves you to face emptiness. Cannot make yours. Never belongs to anyone, but always with someone. Soul doesn’t have a long memory or a character. It’s faceless, and emotionless. It saw a lot, but it doesn’t mind to go back down into the dirty places for some more. It’s just how it is wired. Starting another day, every day, not knowing if today it will be humiliated or praised. Not knowing if tomorrow it will lose a client, or find a better one. Soul is a bitch, constantly slapped around by one of the two abusive overpowered, arrogant pimps. It never cares which pimp to work for, it doesn’t know the other way of living. There’s just something that attracts a soul to this lifestyle. It’s a life of adventure, an adventure that always ends in the same way.

Soul is a whore.

LAGGERS AND CHEATERS ON THE SERVER

It took Jesys 3 days to respawn. The estimated ping is 259200000ms. The approximate distance is 77706205113.6 kilometers from the server. And what does this lagger do next? He enables the noclip cheat and starts just flying over the map! And before he leaves, he prognoses that the server is going to crash, and it will continue crashing until his dad, the author of the source code, pushes a security update, that should patch up all the security holes; and then the map will be automatically reloaded. Well, thanks a lot, Captain Obvious! If you wouldn’t be lagging so hard, and cheating, the server would never crash in the first place!

WHAT THE FUCK IS “WOAYUMI”

Hello, you fucking pieces of shit, or whoever you are (I do not give a particular fuck). While I’m fucking completely drunk, I am going to tell you a story you, stupid morons, do not deserve to hear. If you want to hear it, make sure that you are the most retarded internet romantics in the world. Yes, you read me right, you have to be internet romantics, not just simple, regular romantics – those losers are history.

So, what the fuck? Why I decided to write you this story? Because you suck your own dick. Or your own pussy, or whatever stinky abomination you have there. There is no alternative reason. You read this right now because you suck your own junk. Yup. You’re fucking moron. Fuck you. Also, your penis is small, and your puss smells like old, rotten fish. Fuck you, assholish fuck. What, “assholish” is not a word? Well, it fucking should be. Now, let me fuck you, so we can continue. Thank you.

More than a decade ago, when I first.. No, wait. Fuck that. Let me tell you this crap in a different way. It was something like 2001, it was dark times – internet was a strange magical word, used only in some really pricey movie scripts, like Titanic. I had my PlayStation 1 and my pirated discs I bought for an insanely huge price on a bazaar (welcome to the post USSR Ukraine) (by the way, unlike Ukraine, the modern, beautiful European country, Russia is a horrible gas station which disguises itself as a country. It is full of drunken Ivans and bears on a bicycle).
One shiny day (really, it was really fucking shiny day) I went “out”. I went out and I ended up in the city centre. I met new friends there and they told me about these strange new machines which were not like PlayStation, only 32bit. They told me that these strange looking “computers” were 64bit! I was like “wtf!”. There was a game club in my, no, not a city, in my small town, and I was about to familiarize myself with this strange urban thing. I entered the club…

I entered the club and what I saw startled me. Dendy, 1 Dendy, 1 Sega, 2 PlayStation, and… 3 monitors I had never seen before. They had so many colours, their plastic was so new, so… white, and not yellow, like the 16 colour IBM monitors we had in my school. Then, I looked at the screen… A guy was playing a motocross game, and OMG, the graphics lured me in so hard I dreamt never to leave that game club again. But few Hryvnas I had dried up quickly in my pockets and I was forced to go back home, to my grey regular, not a “64bit” life. Back then it was all about bits. When I heard that computer has as twice as much bits as the playstation 1, I immediately imagined realistic graphics, with real life-like people flying in front of my face, interacting with me. Since that moment I knew – I have to have my own computer. It’s the only way. I was the first in my town to pay money to play Silent Hill in the computer club. Everyone else played Half-life and looked at me playing Silent Hill like on an alien, whispering behind my shoulder, “wtf is this guy playing”, “wtf is this game? it’s not half-life..”.

I waited for year or two, then finally, because of some incredible blessing, somehow my almost below average family bought a computer to the house. The first game I installed was “200 best in 1 CD”. It sucked. Most of the games didn’t work. ..and they didn’t fucking look anything like the fucking game I saw in the fucking game club. I was pissed. I went to the game club and bought some real, 3 fucking D games. What games did I buy? Hehe…. 4×4 Truck Racing, Insane, Hitman, Silent Hill, Half-fuckinglife (Counter-strike 1.0 was included back then).

My computer… that samsung 14″ absolutely not flat, huge, 15kg screen, 10GB hard drive (was a monster back then), Win98 – the new operating system, nVidia Riva 16mb, that’s all I remember. Computers were cheap. You could buy a powerful PC for 400 American money. My parents saw how much I love computers, so they decided I should have one. What a waste.

Hitman was slow as fuck on that gear, even though it was the beast rig back than. Just like the fucking retarded Crysis3 on the modern PCs, which gives only 20-30fps, but Hitman, of course is million times better. There’s nothing even to compare, even with their super fancy mega modern graphics I would still play Hitman: Codename 47 instead of that retarded Crysis3. Fuck you, modern games. Fuck you.

Two of my neighbours who also had a computer, had that strange thing, called “modem”. They said, they could communicate through it no matter where they are, and connect two computers between each other. This idea, and the potential of such a possibility was some serious shit back then! 30 bucks was some serious shit back then too though. Nevertheless, it’s funny, how I’m drunk and I still use things like “nevertheless”, lol. So, neverthefucking, the motherfuckingless, fuck you, I somehow managed to squeeze those $30 out of my parents’ pockets and get myself that fucking modem…

..and this is where the WORLD has opened to me..

The only game I had that had a support for an internet connection was the freaking Counter-Strike (because I didn’t care about the half-life multiplayer, so fuck you). I had already played the Counter-strike with my neighbours over that noisy modem, but I knew I cannot stop on that. I wanted something more, and I knew where to look for it. ..look for it in the “internet” tab, instead of the “lan” tab.

Having that “internet” in your home was not an easy thing back then. It was sold by hours. I had 1 hour of internet for 5 dollars. It was an insane price, but if I wanted to feel the world under my fingers, it was the only way for me.

So, I got somehow those 5 bucks from my parents, I remember I ran to the internet provider, gave those money to them, told my fixed phone number and got my papers with the modem set-up instructions. I ran back home and used the settings provided in my Windows 98. In a few seconds I entered MSN – a strange world of “EVERYTHING”. It had “EVERYTHING”. I wandered inside it for a bit, but then I remembered what I really want to do – I wanted to play Counter-Strike 1.0 on internet, against the unknown world, on some unknown server, somewhere.e I had like 20 minutes left on my internet account, and I started immediately.

At that time, my monitor was already out of order, but I had my way out – I connected my computer’s videocard to my horrible, small, old tv. This is how i started to play Counter-Strike – on a small fucking lamp tv where I couldn’t see if it’s night or day. I didn’t care – I was happy. The understanding that I’m connecting to the world at the moment made me feel happy. Just happy.

The second time I connected to the internet changed my life forever. Well, at least my soul. I connected to the internet for the second time, I had an hour. This time, no fucking around. I started Counter-Strike 1.0 right fucking away. I found a playground.ru server which was located in Saint-Petersburg, which is like thousands miles away. I didn’t give a fuck. My ping was ~300, I couldn’t see shit because I looked at a small, old tv screen, but I felt happy. This is when I met her, “Ayumi”. All I know, is that we realized she’s almost year older than me, her name is Yulya, and she’s from Saint-Petersburg. I remember I said, “fuck, I can’t see anything!”, and she was the only person who talked to me on the internet. She asked, “Why can’t you see anything? Are you wearing glasses?”. She was trying to picture me. Probably as some retarded douche with glasses, but I wasn’t like that. I was a hard boiled bro, playing Counter-Strike on an old, small tv, while lying on my bed. That was a fucking innovation back then. We had a contact only for 15 minutes. I remember that. It was 13 years ago, but I still clearly remember exactly how long our contact lasted. ..and then the connection interrupted. I will always remember. I will never forget my friends. I will never forget my first, and my only feelings for a girl. This was the only time in my life I fell in-love. Never since I fell in-love for real, like that, again. Her name was Yuilya, or, should I say, her nickname way Ayumi, and my nickname was Woanerge. I wanted to find her since then, so I created this nickname, Wo-Ayumi – part of her name, part of mine, in a blind hope that she is intelligent enought to find me, if I will not be able to. I contacted the playground.ru moderators asking for some insight, but they said I should go kill myself. Since then, the website has completely changed, and I suspect, the old databases are thrown into trash. She was registered there. That was my only trace. It is gone now. The only thing that is left is my nickname – WoAyumi, and my memory. My memory of my only love, love of a girl I never saw, I never heard, I never smelled. Someone from my dreams which became true for one brief, single, wonderful moment of my life.

HOW HAVE I BECOME A COMPOSER

My first personal album is called “Чорнобиль” (eng. Chornobyl). Constructed in 2001. This album is made with Dance eJay. Yes, I know it’s lame to use a baby software just like that, but as I was a kid, this software actually inspired me, and made me fall in-love with music composition. I loved constructing stuff, as a boy. I used to cut-off little plane wings from a hard paper, and glue them on top of small, cheap toy cars. From an actual constructor I used to make a runway and played a “very hard landing” game in “real life” conditions. I got the inspiration to build my own airport after playing, lol, Top Gun on my Dendy. Dendy is a Chinese Famicom fake – the one and only. There were no original Famicom gaming consoles in the late 90’s in CIS, only fakes. I loved that game. I still do. Landind that bastard of a plane was always such a challenge. So, love to challenges made me love the Top Gun NES game, which then, in its turn, inspired me to build an airport from a constructor, which made me then like constructing things. After few years, when I tried the eJay software, I found a non-linear resemblance with the constructor I had a lot of fun using, as I tried to create an airport, after I played Top Gun, after I got a Dendy. Consequently, I started “constructing” music more and more. I started realizing that I need to have a nickname like every cool composer does, so I called myself “KoHcTpyKtoP” (reads as “constructor”). Seemed cool to me. This is how one can become a music composer after trying to land a plane in a video game from the late 80’s.
That is how I became a composer, but not only. I have also become an aviation enthusiast. I study aerodynamics and aircraft ergonomics as a hobby. From time-to-time, I love to get that old, dusty Dendy out of the basement, and play some Top Gun.

External sources:

What’s eJay
What’s constructor
What’s Chornobyl
What’s Dendy anyway
What’s Top Gun NES game

DREAM AND LEVELS OF CONSCIOUSNESS

I think we have at least three levels of independent consciousness – sub-consciousness, consciousness, and super-consciousness. They, trapped together in one cell, try as hard as possible to exist in symbiosis. I have two theories: either all three types of consciousness are using dreams to communicate with each other, or it is only super-consciousness trying to deliver messages to consciousness.

GOLDEN CIRCLE OF PROFIT

Alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs are causing serious hormonal disorders. Hormonal disorders causing numbness, depression, high stresses, digestion and metabolism problems, which results to desire of some more alcohol, cigarettes and drugs.
It’s an awful never ending golden circle of profit for Billion Dollar Corporations. (BDC)
They strike kids on all levels with – depressive songs, films, unhealthy fat foods, alcohol and drug propaganda. All this, to create a gold circle of profit.

Nudity causes endorphins to form in an abnormal volume. This helps so called conditioned reflexes to get stronger with what the human sees along with the nudity (usually, on tv\internet it’s nudity+alcohol, nudity+drugs). Seeing drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes along with the nudity results in a deep feel of happiness, bypassing the mind center of a critic, forming the strongest conditioned reflex, piercing into the human brain.

Silent Hill (1998) – моя перша 3D гра на проходження

пам’ятаю, колись, коли ще був маленьким, не було ні компа, ні плейстейшн, – в нас відкрився ігровий клуб. Там були одна плейстейшн ще сама перша, одна сєґа, одна приставка денді і два компа такі ще старі, на віндовсі 95, чи 98. я постійно приходив грати плейстейшн. Я просто офігєвав від трьохвимірної графіки, після того, як все попередньє дитинство провів за восьмибітною дендюхою, де квадратик був головою, а чотири прямокутники – ногами і руками (чомусь згадалися канадці з сауз парка).
В тому клубі я вперше спробував загрузити гру “Silent Hill” 98? року випуску..

Пам’ятаю, як я побачив обгортку коробки диска – така сірозелена, темна, моторошна.

Ніхто не хотів цю гру рати, бо це була гра на проходження, де треба було дивитись заставки, переживати за героїв (всі грались тільки в гонки і бої).

Я вставив диск. На екрані висвітлилось лого компанії розробників. Таке величезне, червоними літерами на весь телевізор – явний натяк на ожирівше почуття неймовірно високої самооцінки. “KONAMI”. Вони мали право на такий пафос, адже ця компанія вже тоді була самою відомою і крутою компанією-розробником ігор. Всі їхні ігри зразу ставали хітами і завойовували мільйони фанів. Я тоді ще цього не знав і довбаючи по джойстику старався пропустити цей тест на сліпоту. Нічого не вийшло і я побачив першу в моємоу житті анімовану трьохвимірну заставку гри. Класна моторошна гітарка Акіри Ямаоки, прорендеровані персонажі, вирази обличчя яких одразу ж викликали симпатію, темрява, туман і кров. Мої яйця затремтіли від страху, а волосся наелектризувалося і стало дибом від кайфу.
Я тоді ще не дуже розумів джойстики плейстейшена – вони були важкі, з якимось ричажками і задніми кнопками. Це все виглядало для мене, селянина з маленького містечка, космічними прогресивними технологіями.

Постійно приємно радувала відчутна важкість геймпада і вібрування – властивості, які були диковинкою на той час. Тодішні геймпади всі були легкими – менше 30 грам ваги, дешевими і гучно, пластмасово клацаючими. Контролер від плейстейшн лягав в руку м’яко і ніжно, відчувалася якість. Китайська, ще тоді цнотлива, якість. Кнопки жмакались легко і впевнено, без клацань.

Я подивився заставку, офігєв і нажав START NEW GAME. За мною вже зібралось кілька хлопців, яким було цікаво, що це за гра. Вони грали тільки файтинги (наприклад, новинку тоді Mortal Combat для плейстейшн) і гонки. Вони постійно кричали “пропускай вже ту заставку!”, а я відповідав “ні! Ви що? Це ж саме найцікавіше!” ((: вони цього не розуміли…

Гра розпочалась і я зразу ж опинився в епіцентрі жаху. Тумнне місто, пусті будинки, абсолютна тиша, тільки чути власні кроки власних ніх, звуки яких розходились далеко-далеко в туман. Я відчув, що дуже не хочу, щоб звуки моїх кроків розходились в глибини цього туманного міста. Мені чомусь ніяк не хотілось, щоб було відомо, де я знаходжусь… Стало по-справжньому страшно і, в перші ж секунди геймплея, на якусь мить я просто зупинився, оторопів, відчув, як мурашки пройшли по шкірі. Периферичний зір на мить вловив хлопців, які грались в файтинги та гонки зліва від мене, але я вже давно не був в цьому залі, я вже давно не був в цій вселенній; мої руки почали відчувати мокрий холод жорсткого туману і я зрозумів, що вся моя сутність повністю перемістилась в світ Silent Hill, в місто, з якого немає виходу, місце, яке називають пеклом, сном психопата, паралельним світом, дверми ада.
Все моє попереднє життя в мить зчезло. Я побіг в густий туман. Мені потрібні були відповіді.
Пригода без кінця розпочалась.